IT’S typical festival weather – wet, windy and freezing.
But that’s not stopping the middle-aged woman strapped into a red leather swing, buffeting to and fro as she has sex with two men.
Squealing with delight, she’s letting the whole campsite know just how much she’s enjoying her threesome at the aptly named Swingfields Festival — Britain’s only open-air festival for swingers.
The trio’s swinging in the rain isn’t even dampened by the fact guests can clearly be seen from the public highway.
This weekend 700 frisky devotees descended on the normally sleepy village of Trellech, Monmouthshire, for three days of debauchery, which ran from Thursday until yesterday.
Like Glastonbury, the action unfolds in a muddy field, with tents offering different “delights”. But rather than music on offer, it’s various forms of sex — with drugs for sale on the side.
Sun snapper Neil Hope and I posed as a curious couple, wandering freely without anyone challenging us. Even though we seem to be the only people with our clothes on, no one has time to care.
In the main marquee I met Tony, a man mountain who is dressed for a Roman orgy theme night in a white toga, headdress and nothing else.
Batting a manhood that seems almost as big as a tent pole he shouts to himself: “Think of the football! Think of the football! Gareth Bale! Gareth Bale!”
When I ask what he’s doing, he points to his erect willy and moans: “Trying to get rid of this.”
But ten minutes later Tony is grinning like a Cheshire cat after being crowned “Mr Penis Swingfields 2016”.
Outside it’s Swingfields Sports Day and the wet Y-fronts competition is on.
Men don baggy pants while running around the outdoor arena having ice- cold water thrown over them.
Earlier it was the wet T-shirt competition for women, although the T-shirts in question were ripped off in minutes.
It was won by Sam, a buxom blonde in her twenties who did a cartwheel and the splits to grab victory.
She later came second in the “orgasm race”, where women pleasure themselves to “victory” in the quickest time while writhing round in the middle of the field. Top prize is a vibrator.
Next up is “c**k dribbling” — women and men wearing huge inflatable penises which they use to try and move a football around cones.
Last game is “toss the knob”, where competitors chuck three big foam willies into a massive pink foam vagina.
As I watch I get approached by Bill, a swinging festival virgin. He’s 47 and has arrived along with a male friend. A couple’s ticket is £192 for the full three days, including a camping pitch.
Glamping tickets are available at nearly £1,000 but they sold out quickly.
Bill, from Manchester, says of the festival, which is now in its fourth year: “I can’t believe it, it’s like being in the middle of one huge porn film.
“I was in the couples tent and there were just bodies everywhere.
“I’m hoping to strike it lucky. I’ve been in the sex toy tent and brought lots of goodies. If you fancy it you can come back to my tent and see what I’ve got.”
Thanking him for his offer I feign tiredness. Bill tells me: “Do you want some coke? There’s a couple of blokes here selling it. My mate got 50 quid’s worth yesterday, I don’t know how much that was for.
If you want it I can point out the bloke selling it when I see him.”
Drugs, along with cameras, are banned at the festival.
But there were no searches at any of the entrances and although attendees were told they would have to provide ID, we weren’t asked for any on arrival.
Instead we were just handed a welcome pack with a free condom and lube. Swingers, it turns out, are a mixed bunch. Some look like they have come straight off The Jeremy Kyle Show, others like they are on a day trip from the old folks’ home. And some look barely out of their teens.
One young girl tells me she is a “family support worker”. Another woman works at the checkout at Tesco, one man is a civil servant, others are factory workers, window cleaners, mechanics, hairdressers.
All of them are there for one thing — sex, and lots of it.
Every night bands take to the main arena stage, bravely playing as the audience gets very friendly with each other.
One bloke asks a stranger to hold his pint as he joins in a foursome with his wife and another couple on the dance floor. He asks for his pint back once he is done.
Everywhere you look people are at it — girls on girls, two girls on one guy, two guys on one girl. Very few condoms seem to be used.
Swingers call themselves “lifestylers” and most of the ones I speak to are Swingfields veterans.
The festivals have taken place annually since 2013, and have previously been held in Gloucestershire and Worcestershire. This year’s is the first in Wales. It is quite a change of pace for quiet Trellech, previously best known for its standing stones, the admittedly suggestively shaped Harold’s Stones.
Wendy, of Leeds, would travel to wherever she had to. She explains: “It’s three days of fun where you can just do whatever you want.
“There are rules, so if someone doesn’t want to know or doesn’t want to do something, you respect that. But if they do, then it’s great.”
Feeling a bit overwhelmed by the action in the main tent, we wander over to the fetish hut, where a girl bound to a frame is having hot wax dripped over her. In the corner another woman is chained to a cross while being lashed with a bull whip.
Making our way back to our canvas roof for the night, we notice many other tents have signs up outside. One says: “Aylesbury Swingers.” Another declares: “Kat and Kim — Come on in”.
Sleep is impossible as there are sighs, screams of passion and whacks of canes on flesh all night long.
Saturday’s events include naked zorb balling and jelly wrestling.
We hit a bar where there’s a naked life-drawing class.
How the event works?
SWINGFIELDS is run by couple Deborah and Stuart Wilson, who only reveal the location for each year’s event two days before it begins.
The festival’s website offers helpful tips on getting started as a swinger, along with advice on swinging terms and etiquette.
On arrival you can choose from coloured wristbands to advertise your sexual preferences. Cameras and phones are banned except those used by the organisers.
Tickets are meant to be on offer only to people aged over 21 and who are already members of swinging sites. But no checks were made on us.
Eighty per cent of festival-goers are couples, ten per cent are single women and ten per cent single males. Single males provide references when applying for tickets.
The Wilsons, of Gloucs, add on their site: “Be clean, smell nice, look good, feel good.”
There is supposed to be zero tolerance to drugs but we were offered cocaine and there was a strong smell of marijuana in some areas.
This starts off sedately, until a vibrating sex toy is produced which is used on one of the beautiful models.
Over in the main bar the King and Queen of “SF16” are being crowned.
Then comes an announcement by one of the organisers that a newspaper has been asking local villagers about Swingfields, saying: “Apparently we’ve upset the vicar.” The crowd cheers.
The grand finale is a naked foam party with a “top Ibiza DJ” performing.
By yesterday morning people were staggering around getting ready to go home.
One couple dismantled the iron bed they had brought from home, complete with mattress.
Others troop off to the showers to clean their sex toys.
And with that, the filth fest is over for another year.